____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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