just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Be still, my beating vagina.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
