My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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