Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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