we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
