Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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