I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
