3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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