Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
