My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
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