I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
