Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
