i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The best revenge is premature balding
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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