yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
