I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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