dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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