I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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