I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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