i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
