I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
