i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Randomize
