Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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