I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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