I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
