Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
