Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize