i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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