Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
