I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
