Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
