we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
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This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
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I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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