come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
