He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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