Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
