I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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