my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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