I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
