meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
