end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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