i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
