Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
