My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
