Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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