I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
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He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
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Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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