If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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