Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
