Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
