I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
