I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
