omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just tell him i said nine months
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
