Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
