Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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