I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
