matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
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Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
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Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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