new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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