I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
