What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Floor bacon is actually really good
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
