the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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